I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
