You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
