also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
