I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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