two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
