just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
