Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
they're like a gay fantastic four
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Who died my cat blue again?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
