I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
