I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
im holly from the hills drunk
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
