OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
