just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
