Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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