I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
