the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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