Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
