Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
