She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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