Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My dick has a subreddit
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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