I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
