I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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