did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Randomize
