Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
