People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
