You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
