Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
