just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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