Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
