Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
