3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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