im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
