The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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