maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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