OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I love you. Go after that dick
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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