guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
be right there i have to get my cape
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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