At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
