I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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