I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
3 2 1 whiskey
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
