she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
