i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
