goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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