He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
