We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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