I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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