my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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