my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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