my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
