I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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