He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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