whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
