so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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