It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
