his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
